Warmduscherbegriffe für Taucher

A
- All-in-black-Taucher
- Apnoetaucher
- an-der-Leiter-ins-Wasser-Kletterer
- an-die-Hand-nehmen-Lasser
- am-Ankerseil-Abtaucher
- auf-der-Matte-umzieher
- Aufsiegssgeschwindigkeitswarnung-Beachter
- Ausrüstung-von-der-Stange-Käufer
- Austaucher

B
- beheizter Trockentaucher
- Brevet-Besitzer
- Bailoutflaschen-Benutzer
- Bleigürtelabwerfer
- Brackwasserschnorchler
- Briefinganhörer
- Buddytaucher

C

D
- Dekobierverweigerer
- Dekorechnerbenutzer
- Dekozeiteinhalter
- dem-Partner-die-Flasche-Hochheber
- Diveguide
- Diveguide-an-der-Hand-Haber
- Doppelflaschentaucher
- Doppelventilbenutzer

E
- Eishaubenträger

F
- Flachwassertaucher
- Flaschenaufdreher
- Flaschennachfüller
- Flugverbotszeiteinhalter
- Fußmattenbenutzer
- Fischegucker

G
- Großfischhinterhertaucher

H
- Handschuhträger
- Handzeichengeber
- Handzeichenversteher
- Haubentaucher
- Hausrifftaucher
- Helmtaucher
- HLW-Kurs-Teilnehmer

I
In-den Neopren-Pinkler

J
Jacketträger

K
- Keine-Luft-Zeiger
- Knicklichtbenutzer
- Kompaßbenutzer

L
- LOG-Buchschreiber
- LOG-Buchstempler
- Luftanhalter

M
- Malediventaucher
- Maskenspucker
- mit-den-Füßen-voran-ins-Wasser-Springer
- mit-50-bar-Auftaucher
- Maske-mit-Spucke-Auswischer
- Monoflaschentaucher
- Mundstückdesinfizierer

N
- nach-dem-Partner-Umgucker
- Nicht-Anfasser
- Nitroxtaucher
- Nullzeiteinhalter
- nur-mit-Leine-Eistaucher
- nur-mit-Partner-Taucher
- niemals-in-den-Anzug-Pisser
- nicht-allein-in-die-Klamotten-Kommer

O
- Oktopus-Dabeihaber
- Orientierer

P
- Partnercheckdurchführer - Plastikflossenbesitzer

Q
Quaddelausweicher

R
- Reservezieher
- Rotes-Meer-Taucher

S
- Sauerstoffdabeihaber
- Schnorchelträger
- Schnuppertaucher
- Schönwettertaucher
- Scubapro-Tollfinder
- Scooterbenutzer
- Seekrankwerder
- Serviceintervalleinhalter
- Sicherheitsstopeinhalter
- Sparatmer
- Spare-Air-Besitzer
- Stempelbesitzer
- Strömungsbojenbenutzer

T
- Tabellentaucher
- Tarierkönner
- Tariermittelbenutzer
- "tauchen"-Leser
- Tauchgangabbrecher
- Tauchgangzähler
- Tauchkursbesucher
- Tauchlampenbenutzer
- Tauchlehrerkind
- Tauchtiefeneinhalter
- Tauchzeitzusammenrechner
- Trockentaucher
- Trocki-von-der-Stange-Käufer

U
Unter-Wasser-Gucker
Urlaubstaucher

V
- Vollgesichtsmaskenträger
- Vorbesprecher
-Vor-dem-Pinkeln-Anzug-Auszieher
- Vor-dem-Tauchgang-pinkeln-Geher
- Vor-Tiefenrausch-Angst-haber

W
- Warmwassertaucher
- Wechselatmer
- Wenigbleitaucher
- Wingjacketbenutzer
- Wollsockentaucher

X
X-Large-Größe-Träger

Y
- Y-Ventil-Besitzer

Z
- Zum-Boot-zurückfinder



Kommt ein Taucher ins Uhrengeschäft: Ich hätte gerne eine Taucheruhr ,aber mit Datumsanzeige.
Verkäufer :Mann wie lange wollen sie denn unten bleiben???



Sitzen zwei Taucher zusammen .Der eine zündet sich eine Zigarette an.Meint der andere : Rauchen ist krebserregent.Sein Buddy: Ist mir doch egal was die Krebse erregt.



Ein Taucher kommt in ein Fachgeschäft und verlangt ausführliche Beratung für Wing Jackets.
Der Verkäufer zeigt Ihm alle Modelle, schwärmt über deren Auftrieb und Schwimmlage, die Vielzahl an D-Ringen usw,. usw...
Der Taucher hört sich dies alles an und meint anschliessend: ist ja alles schön und gut, aber haben Sie das auch in Schwarz - ich bin nämlich Tek Taucher.



Zwei Tauchgruppen auf einem Boot, die eine mit CMAS-Tauchlehrer, die andere mit PADI-Divemaster. Plötzlich beginnt der Kahn zu sinken.
„Herhören!“ befiehlt der CMAS-Tauchlehrer seinen Leuten. „Das Boot sinkt: Alle Mann an Deck, Jacket anlegen, aufblasen und auf weitere Instruktionen warten!“
„OK, folks,“ meint der Divemaster und lächelt: “Wir ändern unseren Tagesplan ein bißchen: Heute findet ein PADI wreck dive specialty statt - und der kostet 100 $ extra!“



Ein Taucher fragt einen Passanten: "Entschuldigen Sie, ich möchte meine neue Tauchausrüstung ausprobieren. Gibt es hier Haie?".
Der Passant verneint, woraufhin der Taucher sich in die Fluten stürzt. Kurz darauf ist der gellende Schrei des Tauchers zu hören und der Passant murmelt: "Wo es Krokodile gibt, gibt es niemals
Haie..."



Eine Gruppe von Kannibalen arbeiten im Equipmentservice eines  PADI-Divecenters. Eines Tages ruft der Leiter der Tauchbasis die  Jungs zusammen und fragt: "Heute ist einer unserer Bootsjungen  verschwunden. Es hat nicht zufällig einer von Euch etwas damit zu  tun...häää???" Alle schauen in Richtung Boden und schütteln den  Kopf. Nachdem der Leiter die Runde wieder verlassen hat, sagt  der Anführer der Kannibalen: "Also, raus mit der Sprache. Wer war  es?"
Ein kleiner Kannibale hinten in der Ecke bekennt sich.
Der  Leiter: "Du Ausgeburt von Idiotie. Seit Wochen ernähren wir uns  hier von Divemastern und keiner hat etwas gemerkt, nein Duuuuuu  must den Bootsjungen fressen.......!"



Was haben Kondome mit Tauchlehrern gemeinsam?
 "Mit" ist sicherer, "ohne" macht mehr Spass.



Things Your Instructor Didn't Tell You!

-Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
-People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
-Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
-Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
-Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
-Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
-Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
-People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
-Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
-Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
-How to avoid shark attacks:
  1.Never Leave Kansas
  2.Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
  3.Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
  4.Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone
  out of professional courtesy
-Buddies are never where you need them to be.
-You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
-60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
-One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
  1.Acid
  2.Marijuana
  3.Black Russians
  4.Prosaic
  5.Sleeping Pills
-You can spot divers by:
  1.Funny Tan Lines
  2.Big Watch
  3.Says "Huh" alot
  4.Bad shocks and springs in car
  5.Scars from trigger fish bites
  6.Expertise on anti-histamines
-You can spot old time divers by:
  1.Funny Tan Lines
  2.Big Expensive Watch
  3.Old Jeep with bad shocks
  4.Log Book has volume number on cover
  5.Deaf in at least one ear
  6.Has multiple scars.
  7.Has cylinders older than you are
  8.Talks about making their first wet suit
  9.Dive gear is faded
  10.Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
-You can spot newbie divers by:
  1.Sunburned
  2.Timex Watch
  3.Nice car
  4.Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
  5.No diving related scars
  6.Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
  7.Equipment looks nice
  8.Perfect hearing



 Good Things to say to Students or Things Instructors Say
-Welcome to the foodchain folks, you are no longer on the top!
-So what's your point?
-Ah, we did cover this in class didn't we?
-What part of this did you understand?
-No, descending butt first is not acceptable
-You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
-I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you
-Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job
-I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
-Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
-What do you mean you always bleed like that?
-You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
-No, this isn't all I do for a living
-Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?
-No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..BTW, what did you say you did for a living?
-Don't worry about this dive UNLESS..______ ! (fill in from below)
  1.You hear the theme music from JAWS
  2.You see someones foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
  3.All the fish on the reef disappear
  4.You see the boat pass you going down while you're on the anchor line.
-You know your too deep when I start looking good
-You know you need to lose weight when remore' and pilot fish start hanging around you.
-You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a beach dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing you back in the water.



Things Dive Masters Say
-I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!
-To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:
-Can I help you with that mam?
-To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard: “Looks heavy dude!”
-You should've been here last week, the visibility was great
-You didn't see the whale shark?
-This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks



Things Store Owners Say
-REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!
-Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there
-As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like hell!
-Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?
-I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes
-I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips
-I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales
-Sorry about the problem with that check
-Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself. -BTW, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!
-Let's see, that will be $3,289...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be $3,292.45!
-If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
-It's the instructor's fault
-Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?
-Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?
-You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor



Things Divers and Customers Say
-Yeah, like I was in the SEALS, but I can't find my card
-You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in mouth manditory)
-Can I be certified by tonight, I'm leaving for Cancun tomorrow
-My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a discount?
-I never had this problem before
-Can I hold your hand during the dive?
-Are you married?
-What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
-I hate your guts
-Thank you very much!



The Great Lies of Scuba Diving
-Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
-Diving is perfectly safe!
-Nah, you don't have to be a good swimmer to dive
-You can learn to dive in just three days!



Useful Hand Signals Not Found in Diving Manuals
-Point finger at SPG. Means: How much air do you have? Raise middle finger if partner has more air than you!
-Point at mask. Draw line across chest followed by drawing line from sternum to stomach. Means: Look at the babe over their who's top has fallen off. Variation #1 Draw line from hip bone to hip bone. Means: Look at the stud muffin/babe over there who's trunks/bottoms have fallen down.
-Point in a direction, followed by making squeezing motions with both hands. Means: Lets follow the gal/guy in the thong!
-Make a motion with hand simulating the use of a yo-yo preceeded with a pointing motion. Means: Look at the Yo-Yo!
-Point at divers fins. then make circle with right hand while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right hand followed by pointing at the bottom. Means Hey you jerk, stop kicking up the F'ing bottom!
-Point at yourself, point at partner. Then make circle with right hand while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right hand. Means: Hey, ever done it underwater?
-Thrust finger of either hand against mask of another diver until their head bounces off cylinder valve. Means: Please pay attrention!
-Point at regulator, then point at crotch or rear end. Means Bite me!